Sad Sad Times

It has been a long time since I have posted here.  Things got really busy for me at the end of the summer and the start of the fall semester, and then we had a family medical emergency…

My father passed away yesterday.  The doctors have told us that he felt no pain and that he passed peacefully.  My mother and I had spent his last week with him, not knowing that he would go so soon.  We were both by his side until he passed.

Over the last few months, my parents and I had improved our relationship 100-fold.  I visited them in early September and we had many good talks about life.

The morning before his death, he said to me: “I may not agree with everything that you do, but I want you to know that I love you and you should do whatever you need to do in life.  As long as you are happy, that’s what matters.  And you shouldn’t care about what anyone else says.   I love you.”

That was his way of making peace with my transition and I am very thankful that he said these things to me – it brought me a lot of peace as well.

My father and I had become very close and he and my mother were married for almost 41 years.  He is a wonderful man that is too soon gone from the world.

I love you Dad.  You were the best dad anyone could hope for.  I won the lottery when they picked me to be your kid.  Thank you for everything that you have done for me.

4th of July Weekend

I had a pleasant Fourth of July Weekend.  CL and I went down to Pennsylvania to camp out on a friend’s property.  It is a get-together attended by CL’s core group from college – they do it about once every 5 years.

It was fun and light, relatively speaking.  There were about 6 women (CL went to an all women’s college) and three husbands/boyfriends.  The group split into ‘dog people’ and ‘child people’… about half the group consisted of moms and dads with their kids and the other half consisted of moms and dads with their dogs.  The families with human children stayed in the house and the families with canine children camped outside.

It was really nice meeting all of them (I had already met a couple of them) and hanging out for a couple of days.  Everyone there knew about my trans status, but no-one made any pronoun slips or derogatory comments – they all just accepted me for what I am.  It was refreshing.  I suppose it was easier for them since they had never met me as <birthname>, so there was no prior programming to get over, but still, it was nice.  It’s funny how some people are able to just accept you for who you say you are while others lag behind and get stuck in what they want you to be.  Sigh… I’m waiting for that part of transition to end – will it ever?

We had another party to go to on Sunday, so we left Pennsylvania on Saturday night so  that we could sleep one night in our own bed (I’m getting old enough that camping on the ground makes my back ache and my old shoulder injury flares up).  We left at dusk and during the four hour drive we saw several fireworks displays – it was kind of nice.  I’m not usually a big fan of fireworks, but it was kinda cool to see them all bright and high overhead as we drove along a mostly empty highway.

The party on Sunday was fun, but we were pretty beat.  All the traveling and partying this weekend makes Monday and Tuesday seem dull in comparison.  Back to the grind, as they say.

Traveling While Trans, or Trans-portation

I had a good time at the conference which I attended last week.  The research presented and discussed is directly related to my field and I can see this becoming THE conference for me to meet peers, network, and participate in professional activities with colleagues.  I can see myself attending the conference for many years to come and giving talks there.  In fact, I liked the conference so much that I already want to attend next year.

Here is the problem – next year, SBN meets in Toronto.  Yes, that is Toronto, Ontario, as in Canada.  Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against Canadians – in fact, I quite like them (there are several here at my institution that I know rather well now – they are delightful people).

/begin rant

The problem is with traveling across the border.  Yes, I know Canada doesn’t seem like it’s that much different – and it IS relatively close to where I am located currently.  It’s not even that far of a drive, to be honest.  And actually, getting INTO Canada would be a breeze.  It’s the coming back part that’s the problem.  Recently, the law changed and the items one needs to enter Canada or Mexico and then return across the border to the US are either 1) a valid passport, or 2) a trio of documents including a valid driver’s license, current vehicle registration (if you are driving), and a birth certificate.  This is where the problem lies…

Can’t figure out what I am talking about?  Let me give you the rundown on something that all transpeople must deal with at some point if they decide to travel out of the country:

1. My driver’s license contains a male typical name: Samuel

2. My driver’s license says SEX: M

3. My birth certificate says SEX: F

4. I don’t have a passport, but if I did, they would go off of the SS info and birth records, putting a SEX: F on my passport.

This mismatch creates a problem if the border guard notices and I could be in a very uncomfortable (to say the least) and/or dangerous (possibly very dangerous) situation. Let me clarify for you that I do not look at all female… I have facial hair, a lot of it, which screams “male” at most people, especially strangers – so it’s not as if I could just ‘dress like a girl’ and get past the guards.  Not to mention how unbelievably uncomfortable that would make me, probably causing me to exhibit strange behavior and pique their suspicions anyway.

If they pull me in and decide to question me, they might try and check my social security records, which will show up with SEX: F.  At this point, whether or not I get to go back into the US sort of depends upon the age/experience/open-mindedness of the person checking out my ’story’ and deciding what to write in his/her report.  The mismatch of information is reason enough for a person who wanted to be an asshole (or one who decided I was really a terrorist and truly believed they were doing their job saving the country) to hold me for an indeterminate amount of time.  This hold will take place in a jail-like situation and who knows who would be my ‘cell’-mate.  This could be dangerous.  If it sounds like I’m over-reacting, I’m not, you’ll have to trust me on that, or go do some research…

Anyway, so, why don’t I just change the documents to match?  Well, the state in which I was born will not change the sex designation on my birth certificate unless and until I have a surgical procedure.  In this case I hope that top surgery will be enough (that means double mastectomy).  Problem – I don’t have the 7K it costs to get top surgery, and that’s just the cost of the procedure, not counting after-care and travel/hotel time for the city in which I get surgery.

I had hoped that the revision of health benefits that went through at my institution would include trans benefits, but with the economic downturn, the people making decisions couldn’t bear to ask the people in the plan (undergraduates, grad students, and professional students) to pay one more cent for the healthcare plan in place here.  Even though it would only be an average increase of less than 19 cents per person per month, they couldn’t ask anyone to pay more because they already approved an increase of 3% or something.  (Forget about how dumb I find this, (19 cents!!!!!!!), Geez,  forgo a cup of Starbucks coffee once a year and you could afford this horrible rate increase, but whatever!)

Anyway – so, I can’t get surgery because I don’t have 10K saved up to afford it.  Since I can’t get surgery, I can’t get my birth cert changed, which means I can’t change my SS information, which means I can’t get a passport with the correct sex designator, which means if I want to drive a few hours north and go to Canada, I may or may not be able to get back onto the US without a huge, possibly dangerous, hassle.  Sigh… It’s frustrating.

If I were to go get a passport now it would say SEX: F on it.  This doesn’t match my appearance, so would probably raise red flags with anyone who saw it.  Plus, if I DO go get a passport now (and they are good for 10 years), it would be hard to change it.  I have heard and read about how it is very very very difficult to have a valid passport changed.  So, if they decide to pass the health care thing at school/work for next year, and I get surgery, I will have a bitch of a time getting my passport changed.   Sigh… so frustrating.

/end rant

So those are my thoughts for the day – I am frustrated, could you tell?